Is this Real?

I frequently wonder if x, y or z symptom/feeling/ailment is my body's natural state or a side effect of something I am taking. Well, after going "drug-free" last cycle, I am nervous that what I am currently experiencing is actually normal for me. It is CD 2 and (warning... graphic content follows) I am clotting, bleeding, and cramping so much that I have currently vowed off ever attempting child birth. I am staying in hotel and am worried about having the cleaning crew come in because the bathroom looks like a scene out of a horror film. I am miserable. Is this REALLY me? Crap.

I hobbled to T.arget (perk of being in downtown Mpls) and picked up some adv.il and a heat wrap. I have also already taken three baths today. What are you favorite TOM remedies?

Another question this brings up: I have been trying to avoid tampons for the past few months but had to give in today (one super currently lasts 2 hours with mega-diaper back up). My intuition tells me that tampons do not help with TTC, but is that true?

I am thankful that a snowstorm caused my appointments to be canceled today so that I can curl up with my laptop in my hotel room (with no maid service, at least today) and pray that this pain ends soon.

Reflection

Hi! I have missed you and am glad to be back in the blogging saddle. What an amazing forty days it has been! When I started the blogging fast I had set out some pretty ambitious goals. Here's a quick reflection on how I did:

Weight, Exercise, Yoga
I was using the Biggest Loser Club online program but wasn't seeing any weight loss for three weeks. I was SUPER frustrated, so I kicked up my workouts. I still had no weight loss and I was getting pretty discouraged. Then, I did some research and realized that I was eating too few calories (the program recommended 1,000-1,150 a day). I added a few calories to take me over the 1,200 threshold and the weight just melted off. I will also be switching to SparkPeople when my BLC membership ends in a few weeks. Last week I reached the healthy BMI range (yay!). I am also training for a 5K on April 17th with my friends. I am so excited for it and to be a motivation for my friends here! DH helped me to come up with some goals/rewards for eating/working out/losing weight. They have definitely been adding to my drive - the biggest reward is DH cooking one healthy meal each week if I reach my goal weight before our vacation in March. I have not been doing yoga, primarily because the DVD I had was lame and I don't want to pay for a class. A free class for staff just started on campus, though, so I may check that out. This is not the end of this part of my journey to mommyhood. I am so much happier and more confident now that I feel healthier (and hotter). It is nice to distract myself from TTC with a super sweaty workout!

Tracking, Drugs and Testing
I started acupuncture on January 15th and LOVE IT (it will have the honor of a separate post in the near future). Having made the decision to go "drug free" during the break provided the perfect opportunity to experiment with some alternative therapies. I trust the practitioner and have confidence in her desire to help me. To date, I have had four treatments and have already seen amazing changes. Seriously, check out my chart from my last cycle (today is CD1). One bummer is that, in order for her to be able to track progress, I needed to start charting and OPKing again. I figured it was a minor inconvenience and it has proven to be very informative. Really, check out my chart. I did get a little giddy with my health savings account and bought a pack of three HPTs. I have no idea what inspired me to use them, but all I know is that the box is empty.

Spirituality
This is an area where I feel I have grown a lot in the past few weeks. I have made an effort to read more about prayer and the Catholic faith. I have also focused on our marriage in a prayerful way. I am reading a book called "Power of a Praying Wife" and have felt a much stronger connection to my husband by praying for him. It actually inspired me to register for a marriage retreat weekend in March which I am looking forward to. I have also been attending a "Catholics Coming Home" program each week at a local parish. To be honest, I haven't learned much, but I have benefited from spending a few more hours each week with fellow Catholics. I also had some nice time in the confessional, which is always refreshing.

Blogging
Considering that I can sum up my past forty days in one post, it has put my own blogging in perspective. I used to feel that the number of comments on my blog was a reflection on the validity of my TTC/returning home/marriage/life experience. I realize that is totally messed up, but it is the way I felt. Having taken a break from the blogging world has made me realize that the friendships and camaraderie are what I desire more than anything. IRL friends and family look at me cross-eyed if I casually drop a comment about TTC - I don't have that response if I mention something on my blog or in an email to one of you. I did read AYWH's blog (the joy was so contagious) and took one day this past week to catch up on a few others. Other than that, I turned my focus to improving my health and spiritual well being when I really wanted to blog or check in.

Highlight of the blogging break: JBTC, Mr. JBTC, and I were able to meet up for mass in MN on Saturday. It was so fun to finally meet a fellow blogger in person, and also special that she just so happens to be who I prayed for (and continue to pray for) during the Advent Secret Prayer Buddy. She is amazingly sweet (not a surprise) and I look forward to seeing her again soon! It was so uplifting. Thank you, God, for bringing such an amazing person into my life!

What a blessing to return to more than a few adoption and/or pregnancy announcements! Congratulations to all of you! I have been praying so hard for all of you (many by blogger name - I am sure God can connect the dots) and hope that God's will is made clear as he has planned.

Okay, now I need to get to reading up on what I've missed!

I am thankful for so very much - but this break is definitely on the top of my list right now. Feeling God's love and guidance throughout the "fast" has been transformative for me.

Holiday Recap & 40 Day Break

The week I have been praying for is finally here. This is the week that the college I work for is shut-down, which means no work (and no need to take vacation). What a deal! I am spending the day washing all of the new towels and sheets that we received as Christmas gifts (after seven years, ours were getting a little worn), working out, and reflecting.

First of all, THANK YOU to Keep Calm and Carry On for the many prayers and rosary. I have had so much more clarity in the past few weeks, which I contribute to you and your prayers. Secondly, it was such a pleasure to get to know Joy Beyond the Cross through the prayer buddy system. It is even better that she is a fellow Minnesotan (even though I am an ex-pat). Please know that I will continue to pray for you and hope that maybe we can meet the next time I am in MN! Finally, thanks to TCIE and Sew for putting it all together, it was such a blessing over the Advent season.

DH and I had a great conversation last night regarding a "break down" that I had a few weeks ago. As a result of the break down I vowed to not eat sugar, wheat products, or drink alcohol... each of which I did within 72 hours. He was confused and sad for me. Through our conversation I realized that I have been taking this journey (and many others, like weight loss and returning to the Church) primarily on my own, but that it has been through my choices. DH has tried to reach out to me, but I often pull back because I am not good at sharing. Our tearful conversation was very refreshing and I think it has been helpful for me to hear how much he loves me. He has given me an "assignment" to make a list of the things that he can do that will make me happy. I already know that attending Mass monthly with me will be on the list and have a few other ideas of things to add. When I woke up this morning, he had put the following on our bathroom mirror... what a guy!
One thing I have noticed lately is that I am becoming depressed. Depression is definitely not my natural state and I have been thinking a lot about what is causing it. The obvious answer is our difficulty with TTC and my inability to control the situation. But I think that there are also underlying issues, like self-image, stress, and change. When we started our four-month break in mid-November, I wasn't sure what to expect and didn't have a clear goal. Well, more than a month into it, I realize that I need a REAL break from TTC. This isn't going to be easy, but I feel that it is what I need to do to keep my sanity. I also know that the next step is injectibles and that we can't go there until March or April (due to DHs basketball season), so there is no point in continuing the current strategy.

So, it is with mixed emotions that I announce that I am going on a FULL forty day break from TTC. I am full of anticipation regarding what it will bring for my state of mind and physical well-being. I am full of sadness because I have made the decision that my almost daily check-ins with all of you are going to be put on hold during this time, too. The break begins tomorrow morning, but I am starting to wind-down now.

Why forty days? Well, there is no use trying to plan it around a cycle, since I still seem to be anovulatory and it seems that it's a popular thing to do in the Bible.

Here are my goals/strategies for this break:

• Lose 12 more pounds by following BLC
• Be more prayerful
• Do yoga weekly
• Track only CD1 on fertilityfriend
• Pray when I want to blog (No blogging)
• Be more productive at work
• No clomid, provera, etc
• No temperature taking
• No OPKs
• No HPTs
• No googling TTC issues

I will miss you all. Please know that my lack of words on a screen does not equate with fewer prayers. I hope to return on February 8th to many positive announcements regarding adoptions and pregnancies!

Now, I am off to call my doctor to fill him in... hope he's down with this.

I am thankful for all of you!

A Little Early...

I am not sure what kind of access I will have while home in MN for Christmas so, in order to be sure you ALL know you are in my prayers (but especially my special prayer buddy who will get her gift later this week), I wanted to thank you for the past few months of amazing support. I cannot emphasize and thank you enough for just being here (or wherever you are) and giving such great advice.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I am thankful for all of you!

Angry

During an Examination of Conscience in preparation for Reconciliation last night, I realized how angry I am. I know that this is not a new emotion for perpetual TTCers to feel, but it is the first time that I have recognized it in myself. It was so refreshing to talk with the priest about this anger and we both agreed that I (and all of you!) should have hope in the gospel reading from Sunday and from the Reading during last night's service (Jer 29:11-13 - I know at least one blogger knows this verse well!).

My penance was to pray the "Glory to God in the Highest" and focus my prayers and thoughts on peace; peace within myself, peace in my marriage, peace for others, and peace around the world. I felt like I was floating on a cloud when I left, it was so reassuring.

I also realized that my post yesterday was written out of a lot of anger and, although funny to me at the time, really isn't very funny. I am going to leave it up, though, as a reminder.

Also, afterward, I talked with DH on the phone. He commented that I sounded much more chipper - and I responded that I went to confession. Wow. Talk about dropping a lead weight into the middle of the conversation. My approach was to just keep on talking as if confession were a normal thing (I go about every two-three months) in my daily functioning.

Funny side note: Two friends announced their engagement with drinks after dinner last night - so, I was face-to-face with the priest with a G-n-T and champagne (just a little) on my breath. I was so embarrassed and didn't even think about it beforehand. Oops!

I am thankful for the Sacrament of Reconciliation - what a beautiful gift to have been given.

Lapped

I have been lapped by one of my cousins. I remember when she was born and she just announced, via their Christmas card, that she has decided DH and I were waiting too long to have kids and so they decided not only to pass us, but to lap us. Okay, that's not really what it said, what it said was, "favorite granddaughter, huh? that's done a lot for your ovaries...". Okay, okay, also not what she wrote, but that's how I read it.

OMG - Clarification: my very sweet cousin didn't say any of those things - it was just my emotions... sorry for any confusion!

This announcement led to a complete breakdown by yours truly to DH (who is out of town and has no idea how to comfort over the phone) in my office with the door shut. I have settled down and opened my door, but am refusing to make eye contact with anyone for the next hour (in case my eyes are still red/puffy).

I really don't know what I am thankful for right now... Hmmm.. I am thankful that I have this blog to vent!

Magnetic

I think that I am a magnet for families with small children in church. Today, it was an adorable duo of boys that must have been 2 and 3 years old and one of them wore glasses - how cute! They were funny, but also a handful for their parents and grandmother. So, I felt badly that I wasn't there with my own family, but was thankful when the littlest one shrieked during the homily!

Hope everyone is having a relaxing, pre-Christmas Sunday.

I am thankful for perspective.