Holiday Recap & 40 Day Break

The week I have been praying for is finally here. This is the week that the college I work for is shut-down, which means no work (and no need to take vacation). What a deal! I am spending the day washing all of the new towels and sheets that we received as Christmas gifts (after seven years, ours were getting a little worn), working out, and reflecting.

First of all, THANK YOU to Keep Calm and Carry On for the many prayers and rosary. I have had so much more clarity in the past few weeks, which I contribute to you and your prayers. Secondly, it was such a pleasure to get to know Joy Beyond the Cross through the prayer buddy system. It is even better that she is a fellow Minnesotan (even though I am an ex-pat). Please know that I will continue to pray for you and hope that maybe we can meet the next time I am in MN! Finally, thanks to TCIE and Sew for putting it all together, it was such a blessing over the Advent season.

DH and I had a great conversation last night regarding a "break down" that I had a few weeks ago. As a result of the break down I vowed to not eat sugar, wheat products, or drink alcohol... each of which I did within 72 hours. He was confused and sad for me. Through our conversation I realized that I have been taking this journey (and many others, like weight loss and returning to the Church) primarily on my own, but that it has been through my choices. DH has tried to reach out to me, but I often pull back because I am not good at sharing. Our tearful conversation was very refreshing and I think it has been helpful for me to hear how much he loves me. He has given me an "assignment" to make a list of the things that he can do that will make me happy. When I woke up this morning, he had put the following on our bathroom mirror... what a guy!
One thing I have noticed lately is that I am becoming depressed. Depression is definitely not my natural state and I have been thinking a lot about what is causing it. The obvious answer is our difficulty with TTC and my inability to control the situation. But I think that there are also underlying issues, like self-image, stress, and change. When we started our four-month break in mid-November, I wasn't sure what to expect and didn't have a clear goal. Well, more than a month into it, I realize that I need a REAL break from TTC. This isn't going to be easy, but I feel that it is what I need to do to keep my sanity. I also know that the next step is injectibles and that we can't go there until March or April (due to DHs basketball season), so there is no point in continuing the current strategy.

So, it is with mixed emotions that I announce that I am going on a FULL forty day break from TTC. I am full of anticipation regarding what it will bring for my state of mind and physical well-being. I am full of sadness because I have made the decision that my almost daily check-ins with all of you are going to be put on hold during this time, too. The break begins tomorrow morning, but I am starting to wind-down now.

Why forty days? Well, there is no use trying to plan it around a cycle, since I still seem to be anovulatory and it seems that it's a popular thing to do in the Bible.

Here are my goals/strategies for this break:

• Lose 12 more pounds by following BLC
• Be more prayerful
• Do yoga weekly
• Track only CD1 on fertilityfriend
• Pray when I want to blog (No blogging)
• Be more productive at work
• No clomid, provera, etc
• No temperature taking
• No OPKs
• No HPTs
• No googling TTC issues

I will miss you all. Please know that my lack of words on a screen does not equate with fewer prayers. I hope to return on February 8th to many positive announcements regarding adoptions and pregnancies!

Now, I am off to call my doctor to fill him in... hope he's down with this.

I am thankful for all of you!

A Little Early...

I am not sure what kind of access I will have while home in MN for Christmas so, in order to be sure you ALL know you are in my prayers (but especially my special prayer buddy who will get her gift later this week), I wanted to thank you for the past few months of amazing support. I cannot emphasize and thank you enough for just being here (or wherever you are) and giving such great advice.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I am thankful for all of you!

Angry

During an Examination of Conscience in preparation for Reconciliation last night, I realized how angry I am. I know that this is not a new emotion for perpetual TTCers to feel, but it is the first time that I have recognized it in myself. It was so refreshing to talk with the priest about this anger and we both agreed that I (and all of you!) should have hope in the gospel reading from Sunday and from the Reading during last night's service (Jer 29:11-13 - I know at least one blogger knows this verse well!).

My penance was to pray the "Glory to God in the Highest" and focus my prayers and thoughts on peace; peace within myself, peace in my marriage, peace for others, and peace around the world. I felt like I was floating on a cloud when I left, it was so reassuring.

I also realized that my post yesterday was written out of a lot of anger and, although funny to me at the time, really isn't very funny. I am going to leave it up, though, as a reminder.

Also, afterward, I talked with DH on the phone. He commented that I sounded much more chipper - and I responded that I went to confession. Wow. Talk about dropping a lead weight into the middle of the conversation. My approach was to just keep on talking as if confession were a normal thing (I go about every two-three months) in my daily functioning.

Funny side note: Two friends announced their engagement with drinks after dinner last night - so, I was face-to-face with the priest with a G-n-T and champagne (just a little) on my breath. I was so embarrassed and didn't even think about it beforehand. Oops!

I am thankful for the Sacrament of Reconciliation - what a beautiful gift to have been given.

Magnetic

I think that I am a magnet for families with small children in church. Today, it was an adorable duo of boys that must have been 2 and 3 years old and one of them wore glasses - how cute! They were funny, but also a handful for their parents and grandmother. So, I felt badly that I wasn't there with my own family, but was thankful when the littlest one shrieked during the homily!

Hope everyone is having a relaxing, pre-Christmas Sunday.

I am thankful for perspective.

Crazy Week

I feel like I was just put through the spin cycle in a washing machine. What a week!

To start, DH and I went to a wonderful Christmas performance by the Cle.veland Orchestra and Chorus. One of our good friends sings in the chorus and we were glad to have even more reason to join in some holiday festivities. Following the concert and dinner with our friends, I hit the road for Indiana. I reached my destination after midnight (my typical bedtime is 10pm) and then proceeded to have a whirlwind of alumni visits on Monday. On my way back home, I stopped off to see my friend and her new little guy. He was such a cutie, but I was so tired that I forgot to take a picture! I thought I would stop around 10pm at a hotel and then continue the drive the next morning... but, then I thought about DH in bed without me and the fact that we wouldn't see each other for five days in the coming week. So, I pushed on through and made it home (after a short nap at a rest area) by 1am. Phew.

Tuesday was a blur due to lack of sleep. Wednesday was hectic. It was cleaning lady day which means we had to do a thorough pick-up before work, which is always hard right after traveling. I was also put in charge of my division's "adopt-a-family" and Wednesday was shopping/wrapping/delivery day. A co-worker and I decided that, due to time constraints, we would go to the local W-mart for gifts (Note - I avoid this place on most occassions due to a former job where I promoted local businesses). Well, lo and behold, when leaving the parking lot someone decided to back into my car. So, that entailed twenty minutes of standing outside in 20 degree weather and getting the hysteric young lady to calm down and call her insurance company. Then, I rushed to work (in a dented car) to get all of the packages wrapped and ready for delivery in a half hour. Thankfully, many of my co-workers were waiting with scissors and tape when I arrived. Phew.

When I got home on Wednesday night, DH had purchased a six-pack of my favorite Christmas Ale and had dinner ready. What a guy! I almost cried because it was so sweet.

The drama continues with the car, though, because DH was going to drive that car to MN on Friday. So, we looked at our other car, which is considerably older and needed two new tires. Without any debate, I made an appt for the car to get new tires on Thursday afternoon, spent my morning getting the damage estimated on the other car (only $600 worth - so it's not bad - and we don't have to pay anyway since it was her fault), and was finalizing our Christmas shopping list. Because DH was driving back on Friday, we needed to have everything packed up/wrapped that we wanted to take home. So, some rushed shopping after work on Thursday and an offer from DH to finish shopping when he got home, and we were ready. Phew.

Friday marked the end of whirlwind (I hope) with packing the car, interviewing our replacement cleaning lady (the other is due in February), scrambling to complete the Rotary Club newsletter (my task that gives me free meals at our meetings), and an office holiday party. Phew.

Okay, I need a nap.

I am thankful for God helping me to keep my head during this crazy week.

Hairy Situation

I admit it, I used birth control for many years "to regulate" my body. Ha, what a joke. Anyway, so far I can only find one perk to having done this (DH and I agree that it wasn't a good decision... ah, hindsight) - apparently my body, in its natural state, is hairy. I have been finding hairs on my chin, have a little 'stache, and even a "treasure trail". This is so gross and embarrassing!!! Nasty, nasty, nasty. I feel helpless, but have invested in a good Twee.zerman that is my new friend.

I am thankful for simple inventions (aka - tweezers).

Sushi!

I am on CD18 and pretty sure that this one is going now where fast, so I thought I would take full advantage of this "break" and get something for a treat - sushi! Actually, I took it up a notch and had sashimi and boy was it tasty. I am in Philly today and tomorrow (Thurs) for work and found a nice Japanese restaurant near to my hotel. After snow in central PA the past two days, I was glad to have 55 degrees here!

I am thankful for fellow bloggers and their great ideas!

Happy Feast of St. Nicholas!

Did you find a gift or coal in your stocking this morning? This is one feast day that my hubby is happy to celebrate with me! So glad he can appreciate saints at least one day of the year. I think St. Nick wants us to get fit, DH received Tige.r Woo.ds 2010 and I received Wi.i Fit P.lus. We are hashing out what we are going to give back to the community on this day, likely a gift to our local community services organization.

I am thankful for struggles that help to define who I am.

I'm a Loser

Well, actually I hope to be. After my post yesterday about what I really want to do during this break it hit me... I really want to feel okay with losing a few pounds. I have been scared to do so for the past year just in case it whacked out my hormones. Ha, ha, ha. Well, I figure there is no time like the present to trim down a bit. Yes, I realize that Christmas and NYE are coming and I am CRAZY to start losing weight now, but I also know how badly I want to be a mom and, if this is one of the steps, then I will take it.

My approach is going to be the Bigge.st Loser C.lub. I used it previously to lose 10 pounds (successfully) and really enjoyed the community chat boards/challenges. It made me feel accountable to the process, which is good. So, I signed up, paid my bucks, and am now back to watching what I eat, exercising, and being accountable for it. I only want to lose 13 pounds, so hopefully that isn't too challenging. DH and I have had a "twenty-pound rule" since we met and, unless he gains or I lose, we're breaking our rule. I truly hope that our children get his metabolism... Oh, and I should mention that the goal weight would put me in the "healthy" range by BMI standards, so that's a perk, too!

I am thankful for "aha" moments that help to define the future.

Who Am I Kidding? - Updated

Seriously, I know that we are "taking a break" but I can't wrap my head around the concept. I think it is because it's not a true break, it's just a break from "really trying" mentally. I actually just feel like I am playing catch up with reading, researching, and thinking about the next steps. Kind of like a time-out from the game of TTC. We're still playing the game, the ref is about to blow the whistle, and we just need to re-group/develop a new strategy (sorry, hubs is a basketball coach).

In fact, I almost feel like this is trial and error time. Like, whatever we do for the next three months, doesn't really count. It's just trying to figure out what we like and don't like. Primo example is working out. I am a healthy weight (maybe a little "thick" but not bad) and no doctor has ever commented that I should lose weight to improve fertility. But, what if I do lose a few pounds in the next three months, is that going to be the end of the world? In my mind, this "time-out" gives me the opportunity to try out some things that have been in the back of my mind (weight loss, acupuncture, diet modifications) and see what happens. What do you think? Have you tried anything that your doctor didn't recommend/mention?

I am thankful for having the opportunity to consider this process with an (almost) open mind.

Updated: I scheduled an acupuncture session for mid-January so that my health savings account can cover it. I have done this once before and, if anything, it is really relaxing.

Ugghh

I have the flu (again!) - what the heck? I do not typically get sick this often and it is really wearing on me. I have a feeling it is from the travel required from my job, but there's no way I could change jobs at this point. One perk of being sick is that I rarely watch tv and today I just zoned out in front of TL.C. Lots of babies, but also lots of labors... ouch.